Dewasa?

"...jadi tua itu pasti, tapi jadi dewasa itu adalah pilihan..."

Kenapa yah, kalo liat teman sepermainan dulu, mereka tampak lebih dewasa, lebih arif dalam menyikapi hidup. Untukku, satu langkah awal dalam hidup ini yang begitu penting sebelum nanti mati, "being an adult", kelihatannya tidak pernah tercapai. Ya perasaan ini selalu bilang, kalau diriku ini masih belum bisa disebut dewasa, (... mungkin ngga akan pernah kali...), dan harus terus belajar, sampai nanti bisa ngomong kalau pilihan2 yang kuambil dalam hidup ini adalah "the right one".

Kalau melihat kebelakang, sepertinya ngga ada pilihan hidupku yang bisa aku bilang, itu adalah the best choice from the rest at that time... Bukannya aku ngga belajar dari pengalaman, tapi simpul hidup yang berikutnya, ngga pernah ada satu pun yang sama. Sehingga, seringkali aku merasa, kalau semua pembelajaran yang telah dilalui ini merupakan suatu kesia-siaan belaka. Belajar dari pengalaman orang lain mungkin yang selama ini selalu menjadi "guidance book" yang kupakai, dengan limitasinya yang begitu nyata.

Terus terang, aku sudah malas memikirkan hal seperti ini, tetapi inilah yang namanya hidup, entah kenapa pertanyaan2 kecil tanpa makna seperti ini, selalu kembali padaku.

Kenapa mereka menderita?

Tuhan, kenapa ya Tuhan?
kenapa si kecil harus terus menangis?
sosok yang seharusnya berlarian, tertawa,
hanya dapat menangis, dan terus menangis,

Tuhan oh Tuhan,
dia baru saja membuka mata didunia,
mengapa ia harus menderita?
para orang tua-lah yang seharusnya Kau hinakan...

Tuhan, karena itu oh Tuhan yang bijaksana...
berikan cahaya pada hamba-Mu,
untuk dapat mengerti dengan benar,
maksud-Mu dan tujuan-Mu, cerita di dunia,

Tuhan, oh Tuhan yang maha Agung,
berikanlah pertolongan pada mereka,
dengan keajaibankah, dengan tangan yang lainkah,
aku percaya, Kau yang maha adil...

Tuhan, oh Tuhanku maha pengasih,
hati ini sungguh pedih rasanya,
segala upaya yang dilakukan, tanpa daya..
tidak dapat membuat dia berhenti terisak...

Tuhan oh Tuhanku penguasa sejagat...
berilah aku sedikit kekuatan,
supaya bisa membuat mereka tertawa,
menatap masa depan yang datang...

ya Allah yang maha penyayang,
sampai kapan Kau siksa penerus negeri ini?

Reality...

"... there is no such thing as beauty, its just exist in our mind. Infact everything happened only in our mind because nothing real in this world..."

I fed up with all perfect things, and all positive thinking...
don't lie and mostly don't lie to ourself,
accept reality sooner before it destroy us later,
cause yesterday is forgotten and today is the future,
wasting our time to create something monumental,
while the greatest creation of our kind, lies within our heart,
and we all know it's not a beautifull thing to see....

Open minded

"...we, nowdays can be considerer as open-minded generation, with those high tolerance we have to others, which can accepted any existance of others who don't share similarity with ourself. Cross cultural and religion relationship which is happening now days is the prove, but when it comes to our close relatives, there is no such thing as open-minded..."

Once I got advice from a friend, she told me that the first basis of a relationship was simply a similarity of vision and mission in life, so without those similarity, just forget everything. (...The hell to those? What a crap, and what are 'vision' and 'mission' anyway?) Oh yes...!, that what crossed in my mind at that time. 'cause I know, woman are looking for sense of security and comfortability when it comes to a relationship. And my thinking was proven to be true when she, the one who told me these stuff, had a boyfriend, which comes from different culture and religion, a foreigner. (...such a hipocrit! what about your 'vission and mission' thinging, when it's so obvious that he had different religion...) This is the one thing crossed in my mind when I heard the news. Then I had a chance somewhat after that, meeting her. When I asked about these, her answer was, "...I liked him and I... I'm faling love...".

And... heard those words, I knew I cannot blame her. And somehow I felt sorry for her. As a person who've been in every places of 'love cycle' before (...except 'to ditched someone' phase...) I understand that nothing can be blamed for this mistake (... probably the destiny.... and that perverted guy!...). After that all I can do as her good friend was being supportive for every decision she made, and give her advise when she needed (...though they're not really counted 'cause I'm suck at this realtionship thinging, I mean just look at me! single...at thirty!)

But her problems not just lie on herselves but also with her family. Coming from well respected and religious family, her mom, dad, brother and sisters, somehow 'rejected' the idea of her had a marrieage to this guy. At first, I thought this are strange, considering there are few of her cousins had these 'crossed married', and she told me before, how her family was very supportive to her cousins when the married took place. But then if I put myself in their position, somewhat I understand a little.(...I was imagining my sister had these crossed married, and I didn't like the picture at all!... except, probably for their babies which somehow should be really cute... :P).

Really, marriage in this country is not just between those individuals, but also between the families. To maintain 'good' lineage, honor, wealth and every halo effect to themselves, subconciously(sometimes conciously), it is the family who'll choose to whom we'll get married. (...I know, this is suck, but you won't aware that you're being 'controlled', and so do I...).

I guess (in this case...) there is no thing such as open-minded when it comes to your family. Well... I just hope she got an exit point for her problems (... and I also hoping the same for me.... sigh...)

Flower Colour

If a flower can sing, what song it would be singing?
when a love has been bloom, what colour would you want it to be?
there is red or white, and there is blue with green,
there is yellow and orange, and there is black shades grey too,
what ever color to see is up to us to give,
for each heart is different to be.

Pride

I won't ask for any help 'cuz nobody will help me not,
I won't hoping for some 'cuz there isn't any hope either,
Why bother asking for something when you know the answer already?
This is my pride and I lived by it.

I just lost myself

And sometime if I am looking back,
they all seem so close by,
and sometime when I am looking forward,
everything is clear as crystal,
and yet everything seems so impossible,
not that I give it up, but I just tired,
not because I lost all hopes,
It's because I keep lying to myself,
I lied that everything will be OK,
I lied that they all don't really matter,
and the worst case of these lies is,
I'm starting to believe them,
'what if' phrases coming up too many,
and I don't have anyone I can ask for,
since everyone asking me for something...
I'm just tired don't you know?
let me rest a bit...
but I rested too much, I stopped to many,
how long? how many times? and what for?
to see whether I was right or wrong?
do these matter now?
cause to me now, I just made to many mistakes,
from all of that chances I was given,
I did blew them all up, did I?
but then again, I never made anything right,
did I?
I'm not losing my religion, my faith...
or anything that I'm aware of...
but I'm not gaining anything too, am I?
and I start to believe myself and my lies,
and these made me lost completly,
I just lost to myself...

Awan yang marah!

Aku adalah awan dan awan adalah awan...
Karena itu aku selalu yang melayang-layang disana, sampai sang angin meniup ku pergi.
Engkaukah sang angin yang meminta ku bergerak?
jika bukan, persetan dengan mu!
Karena itu aku tak berbentuk yang pasti, terserah kehendak sang langit yang melukis ku.
Engkaukah sang langit yang berhak melukis ku?
jika bukan, persetan dengan mu!
Karena itu aku seringkali berwarna putih, kadang juga kelabu, seperti isi hatiku.
Buta dan tulikah engkau tak bisa melihat dan mendengarnya?
Jika memang begitu, persetan dengan mu!
Karena itu aku kadang penuh dengan air, tapi kadang cahaya mengelegar, seperti... awan yang lain.
Ahh...!!! Sungguh percuma berbicara dengan kamu yang dirinya paling benar, paling bijaksana! paling soleh! dan paling segalanya!
Aku takkan pernah memperhatikanmu selagi kau tak pernah mengindahanku!
Karena aku adalah awan dan awan adalah awan...