I just lost myself

And sometime if I am looking back,
they all seem so close by,
and sometime when I am looking forward,
everything is clear as crystal,
and yet everything seems so impossible,
not that I give it up, but I just tired,
not because I lost all hopes,
It's because I keep lying to myself,
I lied that everything will be OK,
I lied that they all don't really matter,
and the worst case of these lies is,
I'm starting to believe them,
'what if' phrases coming up too many,
and I don't have anyone I can ask for,
since everyone asking me for something...
I'm just tired don't you know?
let me rest a bit...
but I rested too much, I stopped to many,
how long? how many times? and what for?
to see whether I was right or wrong?
do these matter now?
cause to me now, I just made to many mistakes,
from all of that chances I was given,
I did blew them all up, did I?
but then again, I never made anything right,
did I?
I'm not losing my religion, my faith...
or anything that I'm aware of...
but I'm not gaining anything too, am I?
and I start to believe myself and my lies,
and these made me lost completly,
I just lost to myself...