My sweetest Mistake

the moon was rising when you started to walk,
wearing anything which make any man starred,
you completely ignored all the laugh and bark,
your ignorance was an adorable bait for me,
It was a mistake to touch your skin,
held your body tight and kissed your lips,
love? affection? lust? They were nothing but a taste,
taste of my mind which was really sweet,
so part of my soul was taken by you,
my heart was always tried to fill the hole inside,
my senses was crumbling looking for the same feeling again,
before I know it, I was addicted to you,
you, my sweetest mistake...

You are Perfect

Once, someone who dear to me said to me (more of hoping-complaining actually) after she heard a song sang by "Andra and the Backbone" titled "Sempurna" (meaning: perfect) that she wished her boyfriend (or someone, I don't know whether she had one or not) said the words that she is perfect, in anyway he looked at her. I remember I was smiling when I heard she said those words.
Well, didn't all men who are falling in love to their woman will said those words? Some probably said them so their woman will know, some probably write those words in a letter and send it to her so she can read his words. Some Probably express the words "you are perfect" doing some action so she can see it.
So many ways for men express those words so their woman can feel it, and you, woman of all people cannot understand them all? It just because women ego which refuse to see and feel what the men trying to "say". One women said, I'll understand and felt what men do if you send me flower. Another will understand if he said it bluntly. Another want it with a kindness. While some other will feel the words if he give her a diamond. Ooohh... The hell with your ego!
That was the reason why I was smiled when I her her said those words. The other reason was that, even after some time I haven't met her, and after all the commotion I did in between. Every time I came in contact with her in any means, she is perfect in anyway I see her.  So I was smiled again but this time a bitter one.

Surga fana di dunia

Wanita memang racun!
Racun yang paling manis untuk ditenggak,
mungkin sekarang aku sedang menunggu,
dan mati perlahan akibatnya...

Batas yang aku gariskan sendiri ku lewati juga,
Yang selama ini aku jaga,
kukira aku berbeda dengan yang lain,
ternyata aku salah sekali...

Aku munafik,
ternyata apa yang kurasakan palsu belaka
setelah terlewati akan tetap terlewati,
dan ini karena wanita... dan ketololanku sendiri.

Berada didekatnya aku merasa senang,
Dengan buai cumbu rayu dibuatnya aku melayang,
Sampai setelah dia hilang
dan aku sadar dompet ku menghilang.

Wanita memang suatu kesalahan, kesalahan yang menyejukkan,
kesalahan yang paling indah, yagn terus kulakukan,
satu-satunya pembenaran yang dapat kuingat hanyalah...
Pria pertama yang tercipta, mengalami hal yang sama..

Ensiklopedi

Seumpamanya.... hidup adalah jutaan buku ensiklopedi yang terus ditulis, maka pada kumpulan ensiklopedi yang aku miliki, akan ditemukan padanya satu kata, yaitu kata "Cinta" pada beberapa buku yang berawal huruf "C". Didalam puluhan buku mengenai "Cinta" tersebut, terdapat satu buku mengenai cerita cinta kepada seseorang. Cerita yang tidak dapat ditulis lagi tetapi enggan ku akhiri. Yahh... mungkin aku memang masih berharap untuk dapat meneruskan cerita tersebut, tetapi ilham itu masih belum datang saja. Tapi kupikir lagi, dari pada menunggu ide yang tak kunjung datang lebih baik menulis cerita pada bagian yang lain. Hidup ini bukan hanya satu cerita saja, masih ada jutaan kata yang diawali oleh 25 huruf lainnya pada ensiklopediku yang harus diberi makna. Jadi sementara ini buku tentang cerita tersebut aku biarkan begitu saja, menunggu ilham dari yang diatas bagaimana kelanjutannya.

Men and Women

I understand that world is built by men and women,
in the name of love they say they are meant for each other,
from all those women smile to you in this world, why you choose her?
don't you see others also smile to you? or you just refuse to see them?
from all those men comfort you in this world why did you choose him?
don't you felt protected from others too? or you just ignored them completly?
you always said we are destined to be together, are you?
but I believe that you just feel too comfortable to each other...
and you are afraid you won't find another cozy place to go to...
you always said our imperfectness made us a perfect one, are you?
but who are you to say something perfect? it's just you who believe so..
later on, when you found another one, won't you say they're also perfect for you?
From all those women living in this world, why do men choose 'that' one?
Don't they know they hurt others by doing so?
And selfishly said this is my life and I deserved to have my own happiness
And they were forgetting others who love them too
probably they are right but probably they are wrong also
All I can say this is every story of Men and Women living in this world,
they love each other, they hate each other, they hurt each other because they're own choice,
I just hope if I choose, my choice won't hurt anyone beside myself,
but the again we cannot have everyone around us happy, don't we?

Faraway Dream

I was living in remote area where sun, dust and sand dunes covered most of the sight, building my business empire. Marched palm trees become marking along the road. Not many buildings I saw when I decided to take a hike in the middle of the hottest day ever and going to a nearest store to restock my weekly ratio. After almost one hourspent, buying things I walk out, crossing the parking lot when accidentaly my eyes looked to the nearest bus stop ahead. There I saw a women I was fallin love before with some one I remembered as her boyfriend, standing there, talk to each other and smile. They were looked very happy.
I was thinking, What there doing here?! in a split of second I was thinking that I shouldn't disturb them in any way. Iwas about to go quietly when she looked me and called me by name, cheerfully. I got no excuse, I went to them while thinking out loud, The Hell?!! What the heck are they doing here anyway? I thought this is the edge of the world, this was not a place they supposed to be. They should be some place nice and warm, like a beach lying on the sand while drinking coconut juices, enjoying all the love they had together. Yet here they are, meeting me in this place where sun burning everything I see.
So I talked to her, say hi and everything I supposed to say. Her boy friend seemed to ignoring me, and I did the same. Hell... why should I asked him anything? After a while she told me that they married without her nor his parents know about and they run away to this place.
I remembered I was feeling sorry for her, because I understand how much her family means to her. Dang! that man shouldn't be treating her like this, force her to make a choice between him and her family. Did she know that thousands men will be willingly to give her all that she need and want without making her to make the choice (including me, of course..). A rage come to my mind and I was about to rushed and smashed that ignorant guy, when she told me that she happy livin like this with him.
I cooled myself down, and I looked her again making sure she was really happy by asking the dummiest question ever, "Are you sure?" she nod quietly, and that guy was saved from my wrath. Lucky Bastard! If I remebered how I tumbled my ... everything! when I tried to get her attention and then her love, and in the end I got rejected harshly. But here she was, choosed to stay at his side, even without blessing from her parent. Arrgh..!! I'd kill him twice for those matters....
Later on, after couples minutes  of chit-chat, she was asked me if I could send her regards to her parents and ask for forgiveness of what she did if I got back to our country sometime. I don't know what I was thinking, I was agreed to her wished without second thought. After said that, a bus came and take her wit her husband (I supposed I should address him like this... Crap!) going some place I don't even know.
After couples of weeks I was back to my country, traveling by car on the road, went to her house, while saying to myself Why the hell I ended up here anyway?......
Then the alarm on my mobile ringing very loud, and I wake up on my bed. It was a dream.  I was stunned and re-thinking back of that dream I had. Why I had such odd dream and why her after all this time? And why am I still thinking of her?

Chance

First, I think all I need is one chance
Second, I re-think about it, and I'm aware of something that,
Third, you already give me all the chances I need.
It's just me who don't aware when they sat on my lap,
It's just me who don't know the sign you gave me,
It's just me who blow them all up perfectly,
My pride was ashamed to asked again,
so my lips will shut and won't asked again,
cause my heart already say that those chances have passed, again...

Memories of you

It was like yesterday,
the first time when you smiled to me,
and those are a dusty memory to me,
which I kept in a box under my bed.

and today you came to see me,
and I wanted to ask why,
but you're just an old picture for me,
a sweet bitter dusty old memories.

I had forget all sweet tears,
and I already forget you,
only this box remind me of you,
where I put all of you

Independence Holiday

Too many work to do and I'm too tired to take tour to a far away place. If you asked what a holiday is all about, it is simply having a moment of peace of mind, seating at the porch, watching all the fishes swimming around in the pool with one cup of plain coffee and thinking nothing at all. Thinking no work, no life, especially love life, simply thinking nothing at all. So... independence holiday meaning something like that, plus red and white flag while wearing batik or dressed in the same colour in doing a kind of ceremony and suposedly doing "independence have fun" activity afterwards. But for me any will do as long as I got my coffee beside me. Really, I could do that and somehow that activity become a luxurius things for me to do now.
Why you asked me... well... If you asked me, It is beacuse of my idealitistic choice of job (I always know it is true and virtue but with a lot of crappy side effects) I took these day. Suprisingly I took three jobs as the time being.
The first work I took is for my self-actualisation, my idealistic dream. Yes..., I did the work probably without getting paid, literally. What I'm trying to do in this job is to try to reshape and directing funds of this beloved country to the right place, needy people of this country. Well... in my calculation, I couldn't stopping all the leaking happened, but I'm glad taht in less than a year I worked there I manage to reduce a little bit of that. I'm just hoping my head will be pure all the way while I'm doing all of this. Damn of all the politics involved here. I really do hate doing that... Luckily my superior trust me enough so I can manage finggering my way in.
So... because of I'm not getting paid for this work and I'm not hoping to get one, I took another job, doing consultancy work thingy in my friend firm. Great job, well paid but crappy workload. I remember I used to hate doing writing anything, Hell...! I did my theses in 4 years. But now here I am, writing tens of theses alike every month. Aaarrrgghh.... God is always have a good sarkasm on me. He must be loved me very much. Anyway, I took this job because of its work time which I can manage freely.
And... have I mention back there the job is well paid? well yes it does but the paycheck won't covering all my expense in the future, especially when I have family... Yes! I'll be getting married someday... So... what was my solution did I get? Yes...! you! you answer correctly... I took the third job. A job which the pay comes years later something like pasif income, a paycheck enough for my future and savings for my family and my old time. For this job, it is I who runs everything from the top to bottom. So I thought it'll be taking a bit of my time and so on.
Wakakakaka.... and God came back with His jokes on me again. The best part of His jokes is that all the work "suddenly" come to me now. Ugh... I should calculate my plan better, I miss to know that all government project based work realisation always happened in the middle of the year.... The job which I thought only spent an hour or two of my daily life backfired at me. It takes my playing hours - Damn..., I had this dream that I'll beat my 11 year old nephew in PS2 winning eleven. Gosh, if I had time to practice - and off course my resting hours, not mention the time I should have to manage my realtionship. Gahhh... this is really full of crap.
So now here I am with my independence "holiday" doing and writing something while neighbours and others wearing red and white colour, racing in bakiak shoes, buying odd things at independence bazaar, compete in hanging prawn chips eating and climbing on oilly pinang tree.
Happy Independence Day Indonesia... Merdeka!

Weird...

I don't know what happened to me these days. My work keep have put me under a constant stress. Doing three work at the same time is really not a good idea. Well, I thought I could handle them, but eventually they not as easy as I thought. But hey... ! what the heck... this my choice anyway... Holly Crap! I have to blame her for everything I've choose these days. Breaking my heart, messed up my life... what else? Hmm, ... or probably I should I thank her? Anyway, some weird things happened to my head last night. Exhausted because of daily stuff, I went to bed early and there I was, sleeping like a dead log. Then at two in the morning I woke up, just like that. The most weird thing was that I felt fresh and my mind was never as clear as that time. Seems like I got enlightenment or something... I remember, at that time because I had nothing to do I tried to think every steps I took in my life. Finding whether it was right or wrong. If it was wrong, I planned every step to make it right. And somehow I got all answer for all my problems... Great huh? So I went to a night shalah, waiting for shubuh to come, have my shubuh shalah then got back to sleep again as usual. And the crappiest thing happened, I forgot every answer I had when I woke up! God is really had His jokes on me... wakakaka.... Really...

Small Talk

...
br: so? Please find someone then do it! Quickly, so I can have mine too...
me: What the heck?! Don't wait for me then... Just do it if you wanna do it...
br: No way! I won't do it before you do!
me: cheh! so wait then... why? You already got someone in mind?
br: well... no, but....
me: Don't said anything then! Crap! I thought you're already have one...
br: Hehehe... Even I don't have one I can get one easily. Well at least easier than you... wakakaka....
me: Yeah... you and your muscle pose.... hahaha.... Just make sure you choose a good one then...
br: Absolutely... you too bro...
me: yeah... whatever...
br: No... I'm serious... It's hard to find a good one these day...
me: What are you now? becoming an expert all of sudden?
br: No... Just someone who knows more than you do.... hahahaha....
me: Bah... I dare you betting two months salary to prove that...
br: Hell No... I make money more than you bro... It's not fair...
me: Since when I played fair with you? ...hahaha....
br: Anyway, why are you so choosy about this thing? looking someone look like actrees? No way you could get one like those... Know your league man.
me: Damn sure, Well I'm not become choosy or what ... Only two things I looked for in someone...
br: Two? Damn,... you're choosy...hahaha...
me: Crap! I'm dead serious!
br: Okay... okay... I'm listening to you bro... Please continue...
me: Okay, having same level of understanding. She have to understand we're adult and should do things differently, I mean, we can going around like some highschoolers rite? We should have our prioritize in life, and we should respect each others prioritization for that matters....
br: Whoa... long words for me but, okay...okay... I get your point though... so second?
me: Second? Well, we have to be able to get along each other... Should be close enough to terms of friends, good one of course.
br: But, you cannot make friends with your lover bro... trust me...
me: Well, got to try to find one... I mean, can you imagine being with someone who're not be able to loosen up your mind from things going around in this world? Hell..., work stress is enough to drive someone crazy adding to that when you go home you'd meet some one who put more stress to your mind?
br: I see your point bro... but cannot be done like that...
me: What? how so?
br: well... you cannot be friends with girl or woman. If man and woman with no blood relation talk to each other, that should be something between them... and more over... I don't see "love" word in your equation...
me: Damn right you won't.... too much complication for me and too many living proof said, that word is not one of the variable in a good relationships. Respect, responsibilty, trust, openness and communication are the key.
br: Hell no....., that only the spices not the main dishes. Listen bro, you wanna be with someone? you gotta like her in a way...
me: No worry,... I can manage that part...
br: well, on second thought, It's your life so... it's your choice...
me: Damn right it's my choice...
...

Just Break it

Once, I offered everything in my life,
but she didn't want anything I offered...
After a while I give all I had to another
somehow it worked out, for a while
In the end she left me nothingness...
After that, I don't believe any at all,
yet it makes someone close to me really hurt...
but still it doesn't change a thing...
My heart still cold as stone...
so now I'm still waiting,
waiting for one accident...
for it to break become pieces..

Bayangan

Matahari sudah bersinar terang, saat kupacu motorku ditengah kemacetan. Sekali lagi kulihat jam ditangan, dan aku tahu aku sudah terlambat. Sial! Memang salahku yang bangun terlambat, bahkan saat shubuh pun bukan shubuh lagi. Didepan jalan lampu merah berkedip dan motor kulambatkan sambil mencari jalan diantara mobil yang merapat . Berhenti didepan gerombolan anak sekolah yang menyebrangi jalan, lalau menunggu dan melamun tanpa sadar tentang hidup yang kujalani. Tak terasa 3 menit berlalu dan lampu hijau menyala. Semua orang memacu kendaraan masing-masing, meraung tanpa henti. Seperti orang kesetanan, aku pun melakukan hal yang sama. Saat pikiran tertuju pada jalan didepan, sudut mataku melihat sosok yang kukira kukenal dan kurindukan, dan pikiranku melayang jauh. Cukup 1 detik saja hingga mobil didepan seperti tiba-tiba berhenti mendadak. ku banting ke arah kiri, oleng kesana kemari mencoba mengambil kendali dan akhirnya berhenti. Untungnya sisi yang kupilih itu masih kosong. Menenangkan diriku ditepi jalan sambil beristighfar, kuyakinkan pada diriku sendiri kalau semuanya masih pada tempatnya. Check.... Kuyakinkan diriku sekali lagi kalau semua memang benar masih pada tempatnya. Check... Sambil termanggu lalu kuyakinkan pada diriku kalau aku melihat bayangan dan itu hanya pikiran ku semata. Sambil terus meyakinkan diriku tentang hal itu, kulanjutkan lagi perjalanan yang terlambat ini.

Loneliness Prayer

I've known, most of time I won't get what I want,
no matter how hard I tried,
crushing every bones, squeezing tears dry,
should I stopped having wishes? and dreams?
but giving up those dreams will leave my soul empty,
and I couldn't walk my journey without purpose,
people always said, it's the process not the outcome,
but really, I'm on te edge of my reasoning,
but please, ...oh God,
please make this one wish come true,
let me be the one whom You promised for me
for rest of my life...

Mist of Doubts

I've waited a while, I didn't know if it was worthed,
so I waited again...
I've waited too long, and I'm still don't know what am I waiting for,
but still,... I waited again
And now I've waited long enough,
and it made me wondering if this was really meant to be,
or perhaps I just scared of this uncertainty,
Being a coward and tried to circle the problems,
and perhaps that's why I never reached the end of the line...
to understand the answer of all questions I had.
Or perhaps, it was something I had to do,
so I can break out this cycle,
Or perhaps it was something I should not do...
I had my questions asked to myself,
If the one I know is the one?
or it'll be someone I'll meet in the future?
Or someone I've meet in the past?
Will it be a stranger? whom I've just met in my journey to my work?
or will it be someone who passed me each day
the one who'll always say good morning, good day, good evening?
So we were talked to each other with no knowledge at all,
And we'd talk for hours only to know nothing at all,
That we meant for each other....
Somehow I found this really hillarious...
I started to think that human relationship is one of God's big joke of life,
It should be, considering how boring and lonely it will become,
If you're a God...
So here I am, on the edge of chasm, balancing my feet,
Still looking for answer and something unclear,
or waiting a sign
...in the mist of doubts..